I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
