apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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