I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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