rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
