Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
