I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So much Jack, so little girl.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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