Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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