maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
