He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
