I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
