I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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