I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
