i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
