She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
