Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
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I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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