PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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