i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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