I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
