i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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