Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
