I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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