Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
