you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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