Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
