So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
