When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
