Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Randomize
