Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
