I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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