Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
