Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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