Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Randomize
