My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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