Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
