i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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