i jhust puked up my retainher.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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