Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
