Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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