A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
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The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
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Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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