i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
