Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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