I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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