masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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