Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's never too late to be topless.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Randomize
