Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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