I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
