you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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