I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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