You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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