I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
