Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
