Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
