im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the raccoons are back...
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