This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
