dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
