We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm like, not good at living.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
