Sober January is a disaster.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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