I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
