Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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